Top Ten – The Worst of Paleo

Too cute for bacon?

Too cute for bacon?

1. You will be overcome by the urge to humblebrag to everyone you have even a passing acquaintance with;

‘What do I have for lunch? Oh, just some Kalua Pulled pork, homemade sauerkraut, sweet potato fries and sautéed brocollini.’

2. You will judge the contents of stranger’s shopping trolleys at the supermarket. Lean Cuisine for dinner? Sucks to be you my friend.

3. You will go to your local butcher with increasingly bizarre requests. They will inquire whether you are doing some kind of witchcraft with the pig’s blood you ordered (true story).

4. For the first six months or so of your shiny new paleo life you will exist on a plane of smugness somewhere in the ether.

5. You will drop a kettlebell on your vibramed foot. Gymbros will see you do it, you will have to pretend it like, totally didn’t hurt at all.

6. You will get frustrated that the local grocery store doesn’t stock unrefined, cold pressed and organic coconut oil. You will realise you have become a douchebag.

7. You will try paleo baking aka: faileo. You will eat it anyway, because almond butter is freaking expensive.

8. You will scoff at your colleagues’ lunches of low-fat cream cheese, rice cakes and steamed spinach. This will not help you professionally.

9. You will stay up at night worrying if X is paleo.  The lack of sleep is not paleo, which will stress you out. Stress is not paleo!

10. You got super upset that you woke up this morning and still don’t have visible abs. OMG BUT I’M EATING FOUR SPOONFULS OF COCONUT OIL EVERYDAY, DAMN YOU MARK SISSON!!

Bonus – You will get into flame wars with vigilante vegans in the comments of YouTube videos.

Any more suggestions? Please let me know in the comments!

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4 Responses to Top Ten – The Worst of Paleo

  1. AK says:

    11. This is the funniest shit I’ve read this week.

  2. Migo says:

    11. You will eat liver, brains, bone marrow, kidneys and actually brag at how yummy these are.
    12. You will keep repeating that “Paleo isn’t low-carb”, while frowning upon any food that has any tiny amount of carbs per serving.
    13. You will pretend that you feel fantastic after your latest HIIT/Crossfit/Natmov workout (seriously, my arms are so sore, I can barely type)
    14. Spaghetti squash. Enough said.

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